The Arrow of Time

A few years ago a close friend and co-worker died of cancer (lets call him J). For four years I watched J struggle and fight melanoma as it spread through his body. He was a very big man, active, and had led an interesting life.

His death made me re-evaluate quite a bit in my life. It was not because of his death itself - I've experienced that a few times at this point in my life. No, it was because of his life just prior to his death.

When he was not in the hospital nearly dying from chemotherapy or radiation, he was at work slumped over his desk, pale as a ghost, with the stink of death coming from him. He did this every day (and I'm guessing on the occassional weekend) from the day he was diagnosed until just a couple days before he died.

Oddly enough I had another co-worker (who was also a good friend of J's) die not long before J did, except it was lung cancer. He called in sick with pneumonia - he came back into work for a day, then two days later he was dead. He was an incredibly heavy smoker and, judging by the things he said and were said about him, he did not live a very clean life. His age was about 50. I was secretly hoping this would wake up J, but it didn't, in fact if anything he was in the office even more than his normal 60+ hour weeks.

How one dies does not matter in the end, its how we approach it that does. In that sense, we are all steadily walking each day closer to our death. That seems unnecessarily morbid but its been on my mind a lot recently.

J was a stubborn bastard who was given 6 months to live and managed to stretch it out to 4 years. At first I admired that he was strong and coming to work, but then I realized one day the man was rich by just about anyone's standards. He could have taken his wife and run off to just about any place in the world - but he chose to work.

In my mind he suddenly went from "trying to provide as much for his wife as possible before he dies" to "he's hiding from his wife's pain and he's hiding from the fact that he's going to die soon."

Now, if he had founded the company or had a personal pet project he was fostering to life, I almost would have understood, but he was working on a menial project and the end result of all his years of struggling as he was dying resulted in some nice pretty certification logos being printed on the side of a box, which was only sold for a year before being thrown away.

I guess we all want to feel like what we do is making a difference, and that no matter how trivial it is we'll feel like we've made a contribution.

There are no second chances to do things right and we typically only get one shot at making a choice. Time is a waterfall, slowly running off the edge of the universe, and its current is too powerful to even think about swimming upstream, its hard enough just to turn and look back sometimes. We're trapped on this life-raft and one day we'll fall off the edge.

After watching J be a bastard to his wife, inconvenience his co-workers, and make me pick up after him for years, I came to a serious conclusion. I kept expecting him to die every day at his desk, he was just that sick. And each day he came back - but who knows when our trip on this boat will end? Each day he surprised me, and when he finally died it came as a shock, even though I had been expecting it nearly every day for four years.

I determined at that time that I would never say this: "I need more time! I haven't written the things I wanted, seen the places I wanted to go, spent time with loved ones that I needed, and I haven't said the things I'm feeling to let the people in my life know how important they are."

Well, if I died tomorrow I might still say that but it would not be for lack of trying. I laugh, I cry, I do my best, and I let myself love. I'm not scared of feeling pain, and even though I live most of my life in pain I do my best to still allow myself to love and lose.

The arrow will pierce your heart one day and you'll go with it over the edge of the universe, hopefully you are living your life in such a way that you would have no regrets if the edge found you tomorrow.

Linear Progression

I only have a few days left in Turkey, and I plan on spending them exploring as much of the Antalya region as I can. I don't want to leave, but work beckons.

There was a point in my life where I would follow whims without thinking too heavily about my own long term needs or the consequences that would follow. Quite frankly if I was still that person, I wouldn't be leaving. I'd have an apartment and job lined up within a few days but my work in the states and my roommate would both be sending curses my way.

When we make choices for the wrong reasons the consequences may not even hit us - at first...but allowing oneself to follow hormonal or ego based decision making leads to a certain change in the logic flow in the brain and it becomes easier and easier to make the wrong choice. I've posted many blogs about "what is a right choice", and that is not an easy answer.

The right choice, whether I like it or not, no matter how much I'll fight it, is to go back and continue working and follow through on a current offer. This would give me time to learn Turkish, settle my affairs, and do things "right".

The 18 year old version of me inside of my head is kicking me in the forehead right now, repeatedly, and blasting me with various emotions in an attempt to be irresponsible. Its a good thing I welded shackles on his wrists a long time ago.

Today I'm off to see Termessos and Perge, its shaping up to be a beautiful day in Antalya!

What I Like About Turkey #2

Turkey doesn't allow foreign cell phones on their networks without being registered, and since I can't find my carrier in town I opted to get a cheap pay-as-you-go phone from a local Major Carrier. (The excuse for why they don't allow them is "the government is scared of a big influx of stolen phones". Hah, its for tracking purposes, who cares about stolen phones?)

Anyway, I walk into this store and ask the girl if she speaks english. "A little." Enough to sell me a phone it appeared. After a few minutes of gestures and dialogue to explain what I wanted, she sat me down and started up the process. About 3 minutes in shes asks, "Would you like water? Tea?"

What?? I'm in a commercial chain store, think Verizon in the USA, kiosks of phones, angry customers yelling about lost minutes, and suddenly the employee gets up, walks into the back, and comes out with a nice glass of tea for me, complete with sugar cubes.

I sipped my tea as she completed the paperwork. The angry woman (with two children who were running rampant about the store) finally left, and the man that she had been talking to looked amazed and bewildered and was shaking his head. I shook my head and he said something that sounded incredulous, so I made a gesture towards where the kids had been trying to break things and shook my head again, then put a palm across my face. He had a good laugh, slapped me on the shoulder, then walked out.

I had finished my tea a bit later and she noticed this and asked, "Ok? Water? More tea?"

"tessekular, hayir"

"uh juice?"

"hayir, hayir, no no thank you very much."

It took about 30 minutes for me to get my phone. It was the cheapest one there, with low minutes, and I was given a seat and given tea and treated very politely and well. The girl I was working with even used an internet translator at one point to give me instructions, she tried so hard to use her own english but wanted to make sure I understood that if i didn't use the phone for 3 months, the minutes would reset.

Cordial warmth, inviting and friendly people, and decent glass of tea. At a cell phone store.

What I like about Turkey

I've been asked a few times recently (by turks) Why do you want to move here? I think everyone wants to get away from their home. The grass is always greener.

My first answer is always THE FOOD - fantastic, tasty mediterranean fare, mixed with ottoman dishes and interesting spices. I've had to pick at random a few times, and I've never had something that wasn't mouth-watering and absolutely delicious. Ok, I ordered liver one time, and I'll admit, it wasn't as vile as the liver I've had in the states, but I'd still rather eat ANYTHING ELSE.

But that answer is too easy. There are plenty of countries and cultures that have delicious foods.

My second answer is THE GIRLS - I really like the look of Turkish Women. That's superficial, perhaps, but how many random strangers do you talk to every day? Now, think about how many you look at. Wouldn't you rather be surrounded by people who you *like* looking at?

Again, thats too easy. There are plenty of places, even in the states, where I could find an 'easy-on-the-eyes' location, though to be fair they typically show a lot of skin, and most times I'd rather just not see skin in public. Sexy is not in the skin - and if you don't agree, you've probably never met a persian girl.

Today at lunch we ordered in for lunch, a traditional food place, tiny, with 3 tables inside and a few family members running the place. Nothing fancy, just good home-cooked food. I'm used to paper or plastic or aluminim throw-away packaging, but these folk brought over plates and bowls and forks and spoons. No deposit, no counting of how many things were left, just trust.

I mentioned this to M and she said "Well, they are across the street from the office and they know us well now, we eat there all the time."

Even in the states that wouldn't happen so I asked "What if they didn't know you? Would they give you the dishes still?" She said "Yes, they would."

The friendliness and focus on business through relationships and not profit/loss margins is an example of the sort of cultural personality difference that I like here. People matter - they can barely stay open, and they know the people around them really like their food, and no one wants to steal their plates, and no one is going to throw the plates away, so it works well.

Can you imagine opening a restaurant in a major US city and using real dishes and utensils for take away or delivery and expecting to not lose half your stock of them every week?

Frist poist!!11!

I've decided to let my writing free again. I figure I'm going to overwhelm people (sorry C!) or have an aneurysm from not letting this out, so once more my words will be naked for the world to see.